This is Not Sabotage

Are you in doubt? Are you in doubt just like I am?

Are you an adult? Are you an adult like I physically am? Are you an adult like I mentally am not?

While you’re so determined to be mature about this, know that I don’t want to stray. I want to stay and ride your train of thoughts and I don’t plan to take the wheel, or whatever they drive trains with. We are closer to the wall than ever before. We mustn’t run too fast or we’d smash our heads right in.

I am retaining, I am maintaining. I’ve been trying so hard to extinguish the internal fire, and now that the flame is almost gone, I subsequently keep getting burned by an external fire that keeps igniting through minor provocations. This doesn’t sound like the initial plan.

It’s the same shit over and over again.

“I used to be over the moon. I am now jaded. I used to fall head over feet. I now stand still.”

I need mental stimulation, fresh ones. Renewed ones. Intriguing ones. Exciting ones.

I’ve never wanted something rational.

Damn it, why am I always asking so much?

“Constant over stimulation numbs me. But I would not want you any other way.” - Tool, Stinkfist

Objectivity

The more time I spend to think, the more questions I come up with.

I assume you all know the phrase “fight fire with fire” – but how are we supposed to fight ice? Or is it a completely different context?

And by the way – why is it always a fight, why is it always a competition for me?

Or it’s just that I am that hard to please?

You know you do, but do you know how often you do?

If you take the time to think it's actually that simple.

What? I can’t come up with a better idea other than running useless tests.

You shouldn’t have disregarded that passage.

You know I usually try really hard, but there will come a time where I just don’t try. I am not a machine, after all.

You are the quintessence of a writer’s block.

A Void

It was awfully dull, though overcast. I had yet again been encountered by a strange cycle of emotional harassment. I managed to stay indifferent; unaware that my subconscious was writhing in pain.

Remind me again why it echoes?

Honestly, I don’t ever want to go through what those people have gone through.
Honestly, I don’t ever want to get into a situation where I am forced to go through what those people have gone through.
Honestly, I don’t think I could ever initiate.
Because honestly, I won’t ever let it fall into the void.
Because honestly, my deepest wish is for it to be infinite.
Because honestly, I have never been this sure of anything else before.

Nobody likes to have their arses bullwhipped and I honestly don’t like to use one. No, I don’t. Don’t force me.

So here, again, I am trying to avoid a void amidst my subconscious. Pull me out of this quicksand.

"I hover somewhere in between, I swear. I can't make up my mind." - Incubus, Quicksand

Inadequacy

I am not used to dealing with so much rejection.

Procrastination

To always have people waiting for you does not make you look important. Oh my God I am such a fucking smart-ass.

Inertia

I am eager to keep your mind off that song that has been playing in your head for hours. I could try making sense while you are jumping between spaces. I could take my turn standing still while you stray. I want to hold on to something, would you offer me a hand? This isn’t about me being prescient. I am almost exhausted.

I am a machine overpowered by emotions. I am a human who makes no sense. My sympathy is dull and my jokes are dry. Would you tolerate my lack of tolerance?

Why are you always grey? Why am I always black and white? Maybe it’s because of my ego – maybe it’s because of yours.

Now and then I find myself looping through things I don’t want to. I used to be fun, so please cooperate. I don’t like to repeat. I have a goal. Make it happen.

Or perhaps I have been somehow misled.

Because the crescent moon doesn’t shine as bright.

I write the script, I decide how the story ends. The end is when I start making sense. I hope I’m not making any sense.

I’m trying not to acknowledge the depth of infiltration these fragments of exhaustion have in me. No, I will never admit the exhaustion. Because I am always right and I will prove everyone wrong. And what has been warned will not come true. I’m cleaning up my act, by the way.

“Were running against the clock, don't hesitate or you will never know.” – Karnivool, Simple Boy

Sulk

How come people get to make mistakes and I don’t?

The length of this endeavour depends on me. This is really challenging.

I feel so negative. If I could be isolated, secluded, I would choose to.

You’re not the only one who needs help.

It’ll end when I start making sense. When I stop lacking sleep. When I stop fearing the outside. Which I won’t in the near future.

I want to wake up to a tranquil surrounding. Or else I might as well just go back to sleep.

“Is it wrong to fear the outside?” – Incase, Alive and Breathing
“All my life I was in the cold. Now I find I feel nothing more.” – Static-X, Invincible