This is Not Sabotage

Are you in doubt? Are you in doubt just like I am?

Are you an adult? Are you an adult like I physically am? Are you an adult like I mentally am not?

While you’re so determined to be mature about this, know that I don’t want to stray. I want to stay and ride your train of thoughts and I don’t plan to take the wheel, or whatever they drive trains with. We are closer to the wall than ever before. We mustn’t run too fast or we’d smash our heads right in.

I am retaining, I am maintaining. I’ve been trying so hard to extinguish the internal fire, and now that the flame is almost gone, I subsequently keep getting burned by an external fire that keeps igniting through minor provocations. This doesn’t sound like the initial plan.

It’s the same shit over and over again.

“I used to be over the moon. I am now jaded. I used to fall head over feet. I now stand still.”

I need mental stimulation, fresh ones. Renewed ones. Intriguing ones. Exciting ones.

I’ve never wanted something rational.

Damn it, why am I always asking so much?

“Constant over stimulation numbs me. But I would not want you any other way.” - Tool, Stinkfist

Objectivity

The more time I spend to think, the more questions I come up with.

I assume you all know the phrase “fight fire with fire” – but how are we supposed to fight ice? Or is it a completely different context?

And by the way – why is it always a fight, why is it always a competition for me?

Or it’s just that I am that hard to please?

You know you do, but do you know how often you do?

If you take the time to think it's actually that simple.

What? I can’t come up with a better idea other than running useless tests.

You shouldn’t have disregarded that passage.

You know I usually try really hard, but there will come a time where I just don’t try. I am not a machine, after all.

You are the quintessence of a writer’s block.

A Void

It was awfully dull, though overcast. I had yet again been encountered by a strange cycle of emotional harassment. I managed to stay indifferent; unaware that my subconscious was writhing in pain.

Remind me again why it echoes?

Honestly, I don’t ever want to go through what those people have gone through.
Honestly, I don’t ever want to get into a situation where I am forced to go through what those people have gone through.
Honestly, I don’t think I could ever initiate.
Because honestly, I won’t ever let it fall into the void.
Because honestly, my deepest wish is for it to be infinite.
Because honestly, I have never been this sure of anything else before.

Nobody likes to have their arses bullwhipped and I honestly don’t like to use one. No, I don’t. Don’t force me.

So here, again, I am trying to avoid a void amidst my subconscious. Pull me out of this quicksand.

"I hover somewhere in between, I swear. I can't make up my mind." - Incubus, Quicksand

Inadequacy

I am not used to dealing with so much rejection.

Inertia

I am eager to keep your mind off that song that has been playing in your head for hours. I could try making sense while you are jumping between spaces. I could take my turn standing still while you stray. I want to hold on to something, would you offer me a hand? This isn’t about me being prescient. I am almost exhausted.

I am a machine overpowered by emotions. I am a human who makes no sense. My sympathy is dull and my jokes are dry. Would you tolerate my lack of tolerance?

Why are you always grey? Why am I always black and white? Maybe it’s because of my ego – maybe it’s because of yours.

Now and then I find myself looping through things I don’t want to. I used to be fun, so please cooperate. I don’t like to repeat. I have a goal. Make it happen.

Or perhaps I have been somehow misled.

Because the crescent moon doesn’t shine as bright.

I write the script, I decide how the story ends. The end is when I start making sense. I hope I’m not making any sense.

I’m trying not to acknowledge the depth of infiltration these fragments of exhaustion have in me. No, I will never admit the exhaustion. Because I am always right and I will prove everyone wrong. And what has been warned will not come true. I’m cleaning up my act, by the way.

“Were running against the clock, don't hesitate or you will never know.” – Karnivool, Simple Boy

Sulk

How come people get to make mistakes and I don’t?

The length of this endeavour depends on me. This is really challenging.

I feel so negative. If I could be isolated, secluded, I would choose to.

You’re not the only one who needs help.

It’ll end when I start making sense. When I stop lacking sleep. When I stop fearing the outside. Which I won’t in the near future.

I want to wake up to a tranquil surrounding. Or else I might as well just go back to sleep.

“Is it wrong to fear the outside?” – Incase, Alive and Breathing
“All my life I was in the cold. Now I find I feel nothing more.” – Static-X, Invincible

Staying Awake and Staying Away

How long have I been awake? How long have I been away? I need to know if I’m doing it wrong. I need to know if I’m doing it right.

I don’t like how you strangers try to extract facts out of me just to point out that I was somewhat depraved. Why bother? You could try incarcerating your curiosity as I maintain my isolation. The least you know the better.

I was being too nice. I was subsequently absent minded. I am abused. I am cornered. I am enraged. I am deranged. I am tempted to be less productive.

It’s quite interesting how people could come up with verbal accusations that have me forced into void. Maybe it’s always best to keep me from things I should know about. Maybe I was being preoccupied with my infinite adoration.

All of this has been a blessing, if not a curse. Because I know I could not wish upon a shooting star. It’s not part of the plan.

Maybe I should stay away longer and go back to sleep. All puns intended.

“Why live in the world when you can live in your head?” – PULP, Monday Morning
“How can I tell you that I failed?” – Mastodon, Oblivion

Absorb

I keep watering a dead flower. Anything can change. I can change anything.
I am susceptible. I’m putting a halt on this tendency to overlook things.
Since when do you get to make all the rules?
I keep watering the dead flower.
I feel erratic while enjoying the thrill of injecting guilt into your veins.
I’m always right, you see, and you know I possibly am the only person capable of handling those threats.
You should have been enlightened by now that interdependence is inevitable. And that the noose is inescapable.
So much effort is put through test. Appreciate it. I thought I was ready to self-exhaust.
It’s best to not make me want to be violent. And yes the sarcasm was always intentional.
Stop watering the dead flower. There’s not enough time to marvel in the rain.

“Leap of faith, do you doubt?” – Queens of the Stone Age, The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret

The Cold November Rain

Two years had passed. How lovely.

November was cold and raining, in favour of my liking. As my body leaned against the wind my mind got blown away with thoughts of the distant future. Very entertaining indeed. Even better than the real thing.

Today could have been raining but the rain was on fire. I could have done a random thing like being there. But when the opportunity is excellent, the situation is always unfortunate. I resent these circumstances. I feel ire. Have I not always been prescient?

I’m not really comfortable with this invisibility.

Don’t sleep, there are ambiguities to contemplate and amends to make.

Drive faster.

“And so fear me, December.” – Mew, Apocalypso
“I think I’m dumb. Or maybe just happy.” – Nirvana, Dumb

Suspended In Midair: A Result of Procrastination

I am deranged. You are absolutely insane. With you it’s always the mood swings. With me it’s always the ambiguities.
As ambiguous as it may seem, it does feel safe and sickening at the same time. But then when you get down and was somehow told to sit on a swing, you got pushed too hard. Danger attacks.
Blame Arabella! She shouldn’t have let all her weaknesses exposed. Now has it ever occurred to you why she stays inside the sphere? She was blinded, mate. Her veneer may be cracked but at least she’s not playing dumb.
Oh – and of course I am offended.

I have always been put on hold. And maybe I left my emotions at home. And please do try not to enrage me with your ego in public, you wouldn’t want that and I’d be least inclined to create a scene.
If only motivation can be bought at stores. I’ll buy one for me and more for you.
Don’t mind me staring into the void. You could not exceed my prescience. Now sleep.

"The queerest of the queer, the strangest of the strange, the coldest of the cool, the lamest of the lame, the numbest of the dumb." - Garbage, Queer
"This is confusion, am I confusing you?" - Oasis, Columbia

Disclosure Desired

There comes a time in each person’s life when they have all the faith in the world that they can finally make something happen. Now Arabella has reached the point of no return. It was almost beyond imaginary.

Things she regrets saying. Sights she regrets seeing. Sounds she regrets hearing. Words she regrets writing. There’s no turning back, unfortunately.

Why are you always grey? Why is she always black and white?

Rapture was close and Arabella was hidden within discomforting silence. She doesn’t ask ‘why?’ anymore. She has been disarmed, though I haven’t. I feel numb and cold. Maybe it’s because it’s too undeterminable. Maybe it’s because of my ego. Maybe it’s because of yours. Maybe it’s because it contradicts.

How did I become emotionless, apathetic and intolerant? Or have I always been? Too much ambiguity is not that harmful. I need that luck, by the way, and everything else would be as bittersweet.

Now go back to sleep, we’ll go outside when it’s overcast.

“Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion” – Tool, Schism
“As your time is running out, let me take away your doubt” – Nine Inch Nails, In This Twilight

Rage

Outta my way you prick. You've done too much damage.

Silent Treatment

It wasn't me, it was Arabella. Blame her. It was all her fault. Blame Arabella!

Oh, silence.
A silence that leaves me with the opportunity to feel the need to be motivated by a particular interrogation.
Unlike how I usually behave, I would gladly like to interfere. Mine is limitless.

There are so many things I would like to be told. There are so many things I would like to tell.

I can not yet tell if it was intentional.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to respond to that particular kind of joke.

Go away, stranger. Leave that man alone. But aren't you always there to spoil the fun?

"What am I to do with all this silence?" - A Perfect Circle, A Stranger

Blockage

Isn’t it ironic that what’s been keeping me sane all this time is the inherent freakishness? In fact, it’s the very thing that got me excited in the first place.

Why do I have to see what I don’t want to?
Does every question need a reason?
Do I need to give reasons to ask questions?
Can we quit playing dumb already?

The fact that I’m always right makes me laugh maniacally – and writhe devastatingly. Have I delivered perhaps too many ambiguities? I beg your forgiveness, I unwisely thought it was amusing. My mental clarity had long since dulled.

This disappearance is very, very discomforting. I only sleep when there’s nothing worth staying awake for. And oh boy, have I been held in slumber. I won’t be surprised if I start seeing double, because my head literally aches out of (perhaps) exaggerated anxiety.

Don’t tell me you don’t realize what you already know.
Don’t get fooled by your own tricks.
Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone.
And that character you like to play… I didn’t get to know its name yet.

Or maybe that unusual development was only imaginary. It was all in my head.

Don’t mind this post. It has nothing to do with you. Go back to sleep.

“No one ever died from wanting too much.” – Garbage, The World Is Not Enough
“I’m not, not sure, not too sure how it feels to handle everyday.” – Silverchair, Miss You Love

I don't feel alright

I'm not usually this obvious.

The Chasm of Hypocrisy

Shut up, if you feel nauseous then get out.
I do not want to hear your arguments.
I’m the one who’s always right.

What kind of answer do you expect to hear? It’s either an ass-kissing, pleasant yet hypocritical answer or an honest, straightforwardly bitter harsh answer – though I would prefer not to give any.

I could lie and make up a story like you would probably do, but it’s just not my style, is it? I keep changing sides; I can’t even talk to myself without anyone listening anymore.

Learn to choose, just like you have to learn to choose what to hide and what to show.

Don’t give strangers reasons not to ask questions. After all, they’re strangers, they should be asking questions. Don’t put yourself in such a futile position. Ignorance is bliss and you, of all people, should believe that.

But it’s a cycle, so just you wait.

I told you so.

Some Stranger Demanded a New Post

It’s not like I’m some kind of writing machine, lad.

Oops, pardon my sarcasm. I thought no one reads this piece of shit blog.

What’s today’s theme?

Death? Entertainment? Deathtertainment? Dead people martyred on TV?

I still don’t get how people turn death into something profitable. That’s what you get if you die and the world is watching. Your relatives then turn your funeral into some kind of show. Isn’t that just sick? Aren’t funerals supposed to be sacred? Am I exaggerating? Imagine a worldwide live broadcast of strangers and freaks spend their worthy savings to see you get united with earth.

All the more reasons not to watch TV. Without any disrespect to the late King, I didn’t watch the funeral – for this very reason.

Fuck the media. (How ironic. Someday I’ll be working alongside the media. Ambivalence? Yes, get used to it.)

“If you die when there’s no one watching, then your ratings drop and you’re forgotten. If they kill you on their TV, you’re a martyr and a lamb of god.” – Marilyn Manson, Lamb of God

Think about it and go back to sleep, strangers.

Yes, it’s all part of the idealism.

Election Day

No, I didn’t vote for either of them. After all, to be neutral is a choice, right? Skeptical as always.

Why?

Well – none of them was satisfactory to me, and if whoever’s elected is going to be a mistake, I don’t want to be one of the people who voted for that mistake. I don’t want to be a part of it.

I hate politics.

Ambivalences and Double Entendres

I have nothing but good intentions. While I was out there, making people’s amends, I hope you were in your best consciousness to realize that I was out there, making people’s amends.

Did you know? Sometimes, holding yourself back for other’s advantage is necessary. Or was it me who always sacrifice?

Gullible? Or overly understanding?

It’s funny how one tiny itsy bitsy “mistake” can turn one’s respect to others into resentment. The way I see it, egocentrism is acceptable as long as it doesn’t affect others’ objectives. To live a life driven out of “impulse” is not really how I would picture ideal.

People are not that tricky to hide things from me. I know all the theories, I’ve been there before, I’ve done those before. The ability to read beyond words is essential.

Have you ever been stabbed in the back? Have you ever been stabbed in the front? If you have experienced both, then you might realize that they don’t actually much differ. People who stab you in the front might as well stab you in the back too, and that should be just obvious. One can’t be too careful, strangers.

I did not intend to create such contradictory.

No, I don’t share.

No, it’s much more elaborate than that.

If you feel like you understand but unsure of any of what has been written, then I have successfully done my job. I will be disarmed when every word unfolds.

Go back to sleep, strangers.