Disarmed

I was swallowed by words that were none. I have viciously self-disarmed. Everything that were not right, I have overlooked. Efforts were dedicated to embrace discretion. I have mysteriously clad in another facade. Patience was all I have. I cannot be more surreptitious.

Responds to the same inquisition varied from time to time. Why are you always grey? Why am I always black and white? Come, let me help break the shell. Let me encourage. Emerge. This isn’t only about possession. I demand clarity. I am not restrained but I’m still your passenger. I could have abandoned this ride but circumstances expect me to take control and drive instead. As if all my efforts are inadequate.

Fortune tellers warned me. I never paid attention. I never shake off my obsession.

I could not swallow any more uncertainty. I could not abide to always give in and being the losing end. I would like to witness the release of efforts. Emerge.

Stay awake. It’s me who should be in doubt. And congratulations, you have passed your own test.

“But my words are frail, not audible. They do not even convince me, perhaps they are untrue.” – Mew, Symmetry
“Roll the window down, this cool night air is curious. Let the whole world look in, who cares who sees anything. I'm your passenger, I'm your passenger.” – Deftones, Passenger

The Cold November Rain

Two years had passed. How lovely.

November was cold and raining, in favour of my liking. As my body leaned against the wind my mind got blown away with thoughts of the distant future. Very entertaining indeed. Even better than the real thing.

Today could have been raining but the rain was on fire. I could have done a random thing like being there. But when the opportunity is excellent, the situation is always unfortunate. I resent these circumstances. I feel ire. Have I not always been prescient?

I’m not really comfortable with this invisibility.

Don’t sleep, there are ambiguities to contemplate and amends to make.

Drive faster.

“And so fear me, December.” – Mew, Apocalypso
“I think I’m dumb. Or maybe just happy.” – Nirvana, Dumb

Suspended In Midair: A Result of Procrastination

I am deranged. You are absolutely insane. With you it’s always the mood swings. With me it’s always the ambiguities.
As ambiguous as it may seem, it does feel safe and sickening at the same time. But then when you get down and was somehow told to sit on a swing, you got pushed too hard. Danger attacks.
Blame Arabella! She shouldn’t have let all her weaknesses exposed. Now has it ever occurred to you why she stays inside the sphere? She was blinded, mate. Her veneer may be cracked but at least she’s not playing dumb.
Oh – and of course I am offended.

I have always been put on hold. And maybe I left my emotions at home. And please do try not to enrage me with your ego in public, you wouldn’t want that and I’d be least inclined to create a scene.
If only motivation can be bought at stores. I’ll buy one for me and more for you.
Don’t mind me staring into the void. You could not exceed my prescience. Now sleep.

"The queerest of the queer, the strangest of the strange, the coldest of the cool, the lamest of the lame, the numbest of the dumb." - Garbage, Queer
"This is confusion, am I confusing you?" - Oasis, Columbia

Disclosure Desired

There comes a time in each person’s life when they have all the faith in the world that they can finally make something happen. Now Arabella has reached the point of no return. It was almost beyond imaginary.

Things she regrets saying. Sights she regrets seeing. Sounds she regrets hearing. Words she regrets writing. There’s no turning back, unfortunately.

Why are you always grey? Why is she always black and white?

Rapture was close and Arabella was hidden within discomforting silence. She doesn’t ask ‘why?’ anymore. She has been disarmed, though I haven’t. I feel numb and cold. Maybe it’s because it’s too undeterminable. Maybe it’s because of my ego. Maybe it’s because of yours. Maybe it’s because it contradicts.

How did I become emotionless, apathetic and intolerant? Or have I always been? Too much ambiguity is not that harmful. I need that luck, by the way, and everything else would be as bittersweet.

Now go back to sleep, we’ll go outside when it’s overcast.

“Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any sense of compassion” – Tool, Schism
“As your time is running out, let me take away your doubt” – Nine Inch Nails, In This Twilight

Rage

Outta my way you prick. You've done too much damage.

Silent Treatment

It wasn't me, it was Arabella. Blame her. It was all her fault. Blame Arabella!

Oh, silence.
A silence that leaves me with the opportunity to feel the need to be motivated by a particular interrogation.
Unlike how I usually behave, I would gladly like to interfere. Mine is limitless.

There are so many things I would like to be told. There are so many things I would like to tell.

I can not yet tell if it was intentional.
I'm sorry, I don't know how to respond to that particular kind of joke.

Go away, stranger. Leave that man alone. But aren't you always there to spoil the fun?

"What am I to do with all this silence?" - A Perfect Circle, A Stranger

Blockage

Isn’t it ironic that what’s been keeping me sane all this time is the inherent freakishness? In fact, it’s the very thing that got me excited in the first place.

Why do I have to see what I don’t want to?
Does every question need a reason?
Do I need to give reasons to ask questions?
Can we quit playing dumb already?

The fact that I’m always right makes me laugh maniacally – and writhe devastatingly. Have I delivered perhaps too many ambiguities? I beg your forgiveness, I unwisely thought it was amusing. My mental clarity had long since dulled.

This disappearance is very, very discomforting. I only sleep when there’s nothing worth staying awake for. And oh boy, have I been held in slumber. I won’t be surprised if I start seeing double, because my head literally aches out of (perhaps) exaggerated anxiety.

Don’t tell me you don’t realize what you already know.
Don’t get fooled by your own tricks.
Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone.
And that character you like to play… I didn’t get to know its name yet.

Or maybe that unusual development was only imaginary. It was all in my head.

Don’t mind this post. It has nothing to do with you. Go back to sleep.

“No one ever died from wanting too much.” – Garbage, The World Is Not Enough
“I’m not, not sure, not too sure how it feels to handle everyday.” – Silverchair, Miss You Love