It's Called Neuroticism, Lad.

…and I’m not getting rid of it.

I’m at the peak of weariness, my otherworldly being is at stake. I’m not planning to rid the disease that I’ve created myself out of several emotional avalanches. At least not for now.

Do you know that things start to get bad when you lie to yourself? That’s why I don’t. And I chose to bear all the consequences caused by not lying to myself. Confused? Good.

I’m still busy composing words that could enlighten you. I don’t think I’m qualified to join your parade – I never was qualified to join anyone’s. Thus I embark on my own. But being on the right track doesn’t mean you know where you’re going.

I want more than just observing from behind the stained glass. I carry my torch everywhere I go, but everywhere I go I see grey. I feel massive thuds in my organs. I have hours to spare. I have been through in-depth contemplations. I’m not going to burn all the evidences – but I am not leaving traces. I’m accustomed to that.

A million words I have written in the subject of this matter. It has become the one thing I usually mutter just before I fall asleep. I have given so many hints, but they were just not paying attention. They were too busy being realistic – but then again, shouldn’t we all?

Still busy inventing phrases that could enlighten you. Phrases of thoughts that could only be conceived by such idiosyncrasy.

Whatever I do, I should leave a gap – and so should you strangers. It’s true that striving in this realm had given nothing but insanity, trauma and wild mood swings, but aren’t those my fields of expertise? Things start to scare me at this point, because people made me believe that I don’t have much time left. But I’m bound by circumstances and as far as I know there is nothing I can do that is sane.

If I am not to be given that particular option, then it’s my burden to bear. It’s a path that I would have chosen.

If it’s going to be an infinite endeavor, I might as well somehow be told by now.

Still trying to create subtle struggles that could enlighten you. But here I am, writing a blog that no one reads.

But it’s all in my head.

This isn’t about what you think it is. I’m trying not to sound delusional. But then again it’s only a matter of perspective. Strangers, you are free to interpret this in any way your strange minds would like to.

And I will be disarmed when every word unfolds.

Hush now, go to sleep.

Ambivalences and Double Entendres

I have nothing but good intentions. While I was out there, making people’s amends, I hope you were in your best consciousness to realize that I was out there, making people’s amends.

Did you know? Sometimes, holding yourself back for other’s advantage is necessary. Or was it me who always sacrifice?

Gullible? Or overly understanding?

It’s funny how one tiny itsy bitsy “mistake” can turn one’s respect to others into resentment. The way I see it, egocentrism is acceptable as long as it doesn’t affect others’ objectives. To live a life driven out of “impulse” is not really how I would picture ideal.

People are not that tricky to hide things from me. I know all the theories, I’ve been there before, I’ve done those before. The ability to read beyond words is essential.

Have you ever been stabbed in the back? Have you ever been stabbed in the front? If you have experienced both, then you might realize that they don’t actually much differ. People who stab you in the front might as well stab you in the back too, and that should be just obvious. One can’t be too careful, strangers.

I did not intend to create such contradictory.

No, I don’t share.

No, it’s much more elaborate than that.

If you feel like you understand but unsure of any of what has been written, then I have successfully done my job. I will be disarmed when every word unfolds.

Go back to sleep, strangers.

Hello, stranger. I don’t think we’ve met before.

The first things of everything should be introductory, so here goes the introductory first post.

My name is Reisha Annabelle Sinulingga, but for some reasons people call me Manson. Most people often fail to see how pleased I am to be called by my real name again. Omega is an alter ego, if you’d say so, though I cannot tell which one of me is the alter ego. I can’t believe how fake I am. Anyway, Omega was of course inspired by Marilyn Manson’s fourth studio album Omega & the Mechanical Animals, and the intriguing philosophy behind it.

I have just turned 20. I have spent 12 years of my youth studying in Bakti Mulya 400, and I’m currently a striving Advertising student in STIKOM The London School of Public Relations Jakarta.

I have a family and I love them. I manage a band and I love them. I have several close friends and I love them. But don’t get me wrong, of course everyone is a stranger.

I am nervous, awkward and obsessed. I’m fond of perfection. I get cranky during my not-so-occasional sleep deprivations. I am not the most sociable person yet strangely enough some people find me very friendly. I often still surprise myself by what I’m capable of doing, but I’m very observant at some points so everything should be alright.

I enjoy music, it’s always a good manner of escapism. I enjoy solitude. I enjoy reading the dictionary. I enjoy reading a dictionary while listening to music in my solitude.

I have been careful enough not to indulge myself in any manner of today’s youth hedonism. Of course it’s tempting, I’d be lying to say I was never tempted. But out of indelible idealism I will always try to preserve my lifelong sobriety for God knows how long.

I have not decided what this blog is going to be about (and probably never will). But whatever’s written here, they were once in my head. Of course I have stolen lines from famous people (preferably musicians), but then again, those lines were once popped into my head too, weren’t they? I have a habit of writing down whatever is in my head (including famous people’s lines) – whether it be thoughts, lyrics, obsessions, or any thing/word that popped into my head – though usually they would be on papers. But papers get lost at some point in their worldly existence, so, yeah.

I’m a total neophyte in this blog thing, but am eager to share my ambivalence through such virtual means. I accept comments, insults, protests, kudos and anything from any of you strangers who would care – but then again, you’re a stranger, so what do I care? *another line from famous musician stolen

One’s mind is what intrigues me best and I appreciate every opportunity to exchange thoughts with people alike.

So long, stranger.

Reisha