Inertia

I am eager to keep your mind off that song that has been playing in your head for hours. I could try making sense while you are jumping between spaces. I could take my turn standing still while you stray. I want to hold on to something, would you offer me a hand? This isn’t about me being prescient. I am almost exhausted.

I am a machine overpowered by emotions. I am a human who makes no sense. My sympathy is dull and my jokes are dry. Would you tolerate my lack of tolerance?

Why are you always grey? Why am I always black and white? Maybe it’s because of my ego – maybe it’s because of yours.

Now and then I find myself looping through things I don’t want to. I used to be fun, so please cooperate. I don’t like to repeat. I have a goal. Make it happen.

Or perhaps I have been somehow misled.

Because the crescent moon doesn’t shine as bright.

I write the script, I decide how the story ends. The end is when I start making sense. I hope I’m not making any sense.

I’m trying not to acknowledge the depth of infiltration these fragments of exhaustion have in me. No, I will never admit the exhaustion. Because I am always right and I will prove everyone wrong. And what has been warned will not come true. I’m cleaning up my act, by the way.

“Were running against the clock, don't hesitate or you will never know.” – Karnivool, Simple Boy

Sulk

How come people get to make mistakes and I don’t?

The length of this endeavour depends on me. This is really challenging.

I feel so negative. If I could be isolated, secluded, I would choose to.

You’re not the only one who needs help.

It’ll end when I start making sense. When I stop lacking sleep. When I stop fearing the outside. Which I won’t in the near future.

I want to wake up to a tranquil surrounding. Or else I might as well just go back to sleep.

“Is it wrong to fear the outside?” – Incase, Alive and Breathing
“All my life I was in the cold. Now I find I feel nothing more.” – Static-X, Invincible

Staying Awake and Staying Away

How long have I been awake? How long have I been away? I need to know if I’m doing it wrong. I need to know if I’m doing it right.

I don’t like how you strangers try to extract facts out of me just to point out that I was somewhat depraved. Why bother? You could try incarcerating your curiosity as I maintain my isolation. The least you know the better.

I was being too nice. I was subsequently absent minded. I am abused. I am cornered. I am enraged. I am deranged. I am tempted to be less productive.

It’s quite interesting how people could come up with verbal accusations that have me forced into void. Maybe it’s always best to keep me from things I should know about. Maybe I was being preoccupied with my infinite adoration.

All of this has been a blessing, if not a curse. Because I know I could not wish upon a shooting star. It’s not part of the plan.

Maybe I should stay away longer and go back to sleep. All puns intended.

“Why live in the world when you can live in your head?” – PULP, Monday Morning
“How can I tell you that I failed?” – Mastodon, Oblivion

Absorb

I keep watering a dead flower. Anything can change. I can change anything.
I am susceptible. I’m putting a halt on this tendency to overlook things.
Since when do you get to make all the rules?
I keep watering the dead flower.
I feel erratic while enjoying the thrill of injecting guilt into your veins.
I’m always right, you see, and you know I possibly am the only person capable of handling those threats.
You should have been enlightened by now that interdependence is inevitable. And that the noose is inescapable.
So much effort is put through test. Appreciate it. I thought I was ready to self-exhaust.
It’s best to not make me want to be violent. And yes the sarcasm was always intentional.
Stop watering the dead flower. There’s not enough time to marvel in the rain.

“Leap of faith, do you doubt?” – Queens of the Stone Age, The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret

Disarmed

I was swallowed by words that were none. I have viciously self-disarmed. Everything that were not right, I have overlooked. Efforts were dedicated to embrace discretion. I have mysteriously clad in another facade. Patience was all I have. I cannot be more surreptitious.

Responds to the same inquisition varied from time to time. Why are you always grey? Why am I always black and white? Come, let me help break the shell. Let me encourage. Emerge. This isn’t only about possession. I demand clarity. I am not restrained but I’m still your passenger. I could have abandoned this ride but circumstances expect me to take control and drive instead. As if all my efforts are inadequate.

Fortune tellers warned me. I never paid attention. I never shake off my obsession.

I could not swallow any more uncertainty. I could not abide to always give in and being the losing end. I would like to witness the release of efforts. Emerge.

Stay awake. It’s me who should be in doubt. And congratulations, you have passed your own test.

“But my words are frail, not audible. They do not even convince me, perhaps they are untrue.” – Mew, Symmetry
“Roll the window down, this cool night air is curious. Let the whole world look in, who cares who sees anything. I'm your passenger, I'm your passenger.” – Deftones, Passenger

The Cold November Rain

Two years had passed. How lovely.

November was cold and raining, in favour of my liking. As my body leaned against the wind my mind got blown away with thoughts of the distant future. Very entertaining indeed. Even better than the real thing.

Today could have been raining but the rain was on fire. I could have done a random thing like being there. But when the opportunity is excellent, the situation is always unfortunate. I resent these circumstances. I feel ire. Have I not always been prescient?

I’m not really comfortable with this invisibility.

Don’t sleep, there are ambiguities to contemplate and amends to make.

Drive faster.

“And so fear me, December.” – Mew, Apocalypso
“I think I’m dumb. Or maybe just happy.” – Nirvana, Dumb

Suspended In Midair: A Result of Procrastination

I am deranged. You are absolutely insane. With you it’s always the mood swings. With me it’s always the ambiguities.
As ambiguous as it may seem, it does feel safe and sickening at the same time. But then when you get down and was somehow told to sit on a swing, you got pushed too hard. Danger attacks.
Blame Arabella! She shouldn’t have let all her weaknesses exposed. Now has it ever occurred to you why she stays inside the sphere? She was blinded, mate. Her veneer may be cracked but at least she’s not playing dumb.
Oh – and of course I am offended.

I have always been put on hold. And maybe I left my emotions at home. And please do try not to enrage me with your ego in public, you wouldn’t want that and I’d be least inclined to create a scene.
If only motivation can be bought at stores. I’ll buy one for me and more for you.
Don’t mind me staring into the void. You could not exceed my prescience. Now sleep.

"The queerest of the queer, the strangest of the strange, the coldest of the cool, the lamest of the lame, the numbest of the dumb." - Garbage, Queer
"This is confusion, am I confusing you?" - Oasis, Columbia